This blog should have a new name

I should rename this blog. I do not post weekly. Or monthly for that matter. How long has it been? Half a year? Anyways, some new developments. I have fully accepted the God thing. I am a born-again believer, as cheesy as that sounds. Here is why:

I have been through all of the rationale. I have approached life from a skeptical, agnostic, borderline atheistic way. I accepted the fact that there was no inherent meaning of life. I thought I could make my own. I knew that happiness was fleeting and temporary. I accepted the bittersweet, nostalgic sense of emptiness and loneliness as norms for this life. My philosophy became making the best of what I had. Even if the best was far from good. I was okay with mediocre pleasures and half-joys instead of that rest that one needs for one's soul. I approached life from a different vantage point than what I was raised on. While eye-opening, it was torture.

As a person, I was harsh, sarcastic, negative, and very selfish. Extremely selfish. I was obsessed with the betterment of self. I saw society as an organism that had evolved to its present state. Laws, societal norms; all of these were rendered into cold and trivial means for society to keep itself from collapsing. There was no inherent law. No inherent order. Just contrived order. Manufactured laws. But what about love? Where did that fall into the equation?

Somehow I justified the existence of meaningful love in this world. The mere thought of a world without love terrified me. I knew better. More accurately, I felt better. So, I held onto the concept of love, deep, soul to soul, personal, God-like love. Even though the concept of love is nullified with a belief system that states that nothing exists except for the natural. No, I wasn't a naturalist. I did believe in a spiritual realm. Just not Christianity. I mean, how could it be true? It was foolishness. Miracles, infants in mangers, words written thousands of years ago by people, fallible people, then rewritten and translated and interpreted into what we now know as the Bible. How could this document possibly have any application for me?

I don't have a systematic defense of Christianity. I have tried in the past, and actually, much of that attempt is documented on this same blog about 2 years ago. Instead, here is why I choose the foolishness and often irrational ancient religion of Christianity. I came to my belief based on what I wanted in life. Did I want a life where all there was was my contrived meaning? Bittersweet, nostalgic, artificial, cold happiness? Or, on the other hand, did I want a life with connection, love, light, life, joy, and peace? The first world gave me freedom of will. The second world gave me freedom of soul. I came to Jesus because I somehow knew that the source of life lay at the life-giver.

This is the "epiphany" I received. It is childlike in nature, completely contrary to the scientific method, and foolish. But nevertheless, I believe it to be true. I thought about how the Bible possibly could be true, despite is numerous authors, who happened to be human. The it hit me. It was the word. The word of God. Jesus was the word. I asked God to give me a sign, an actual visual or aural sign that he was real. I thought about Jesus. Jesus was the revelation. He dwelt among humans. The Bible is the revelation. The Bible is quite literally Jesus. The Word of God.

This conflicts with everything I know to be true. But, somehow, it tinges with a rub of truth. I realized that I had always prayed to Father God, never to Jesus. I didn't know Jesus personally. Not as I can know a friend on earth and see them face to face. It is a deeper knowledge. And it comes from reading the word. I asked Jesus how to know him better, as it was quite difficult to know someone I couldn't see or hear, thus communicate with. Immediately I thought of the Word of God. The Bible. And that somehow reading the Bible, I would get to know Jesus better.

Childspeak. Foolish Biblethumping babble. I accept that. I also thought about how foolish it is to believe that chance be the mother of all living, and that we hold on to these glorious concepts of love, respect, selflessness, while trashing the belief systems in which these doctrines originate. I have many friends who are great human beings, perhaps better people than most Christians. But I could not honestly practice being a good person when I didn't have the faith to back it up.

One final note: I forgot the peace and joy of Christianity. It is like the enjoyment of taking half a day to watch a tree grow. Or listen to the waters of a stream. Or meditation. Yoga. Taking life slow. Relaxation. It is like the feeling of doing these things, except having the feeling more consistently. It is deeply embedded. I am now happy. I haven't been happy for a long time in my life. There is now love in my life. True love. I am being humbled. I realize how selfish I am now. My basis for hating Christianity was based mostly on the hypocrisy of Christians. I still hate the hypocrisy. But I know that what I saw wasn't true Christianity. My friends who stood by me in the dark times, and the friends who hang out with non-Christians and dine with "sinners", those are the true Christians.

There are so many thoughts and concepts I wanted to describe in this blog tonight. I have failed miserably to put it in perspective. Words fall to the floor. You don't know the weight that is off my shoulders. I know this all sounds cliche. But I feel like I have been given a second chance at life. I will attempt in the near future to gather my thoughts to more fully describe the transformation that took place in me.